Turnaround

It was my best birthday gift. The night I turned thirty-two, Greyson woke up at 10:30 and cried for half an hour, then slept through the rest of the night. It was the most sleep Roque and I have gotten in more than a month. But that wasn't the best part. The best part was seeing Greyson wake up a different child. The next morning, he was loud and chatty, almost rowdy. He ate well, smiled wide, laughed loud, woke up happy, went down cheery, chatted himself to sleep during naps...he was his old self again. I honestly didn't think I would see this day. It took him 13 days to get over his jet lag and fully adjust to being home. I feel optimistic for the first time in a month.

It started the night before my birthday. Roq and I had been taking shifts with Grey. Whoever was on duty slept on the living room couch and would be in charge of monitoring his coughing and crying. It wasn't necessarily to go in, because doing so was proving to worsen matters, it was just to make sure he was ok, keep tabs on how long he cried etc. Apparently, that night, while I was holed up in the bedroom with an air purifier blasting and ear plugs in place, Roque was so exhausted that he fell asleep to Greyson crying and didn't wake up all night. We have no idea what happened, but when Greyson woke up on my birthday he was a different baby. He was cheery again, talkative, and energetic. He hardly whined and wasn't asking for me. We could put him down and he could sit on his own and play by himself. It was a 180 degree change. Last night was the capper. He woke up an hour after we put him down for bed, cried for about 20 minutes, then just chatted to himself for 2.5 hours. We could see him in the video monitor, whirling Wooly (his lamb) around, grabbing his feet, squealing and screaming with glee, like he was having his own private party. Then, he fussed for about 15 minutes again, then fell asleep for the night. Amazing.

Roque and I are working on our own individual colds and jet lag now. I am still really drowsy in the mornings, but I'm almost there. We are so close to putting this ordeal behind us. When I look back, I think I learned a lot. The most important thing being the fact that in parenthood, things really do come to pass, they never come to stay. You just have to hang in there with all your might. We are in the clear, for now, until the next cold, the next tooth, or the next vacation (not for a while!). It didn't feel like it for a long time, but I think I am coping better. Seeing my little boy bounce back almost makes me forget all the fatigue and heartache (I said almost). It's reassuring to know that underneath it all, my little guy was still there: my independent, cheery, exuberant, 12-hour sleeper. After all the dust and debris has cleared, he's still there.

One of my best friends called me on my birthday. She and her husband are trying for a baby, and like I did, she vacillates between wanting to taste motherhood and fearing the changes it brings. I remember so clearly how that felt. The unanswerable questions: When I become a mom, who will I be? Will I be the same person? Will I lose everything that is important to me? I know that for me, some parts of me shone brighter, some parts of me faded, but all of me loves being a mother. Annie Liebovitz once said, "I thought the world was flat, and then I had my kids and it was round." I don't have the answers to her questions, it will be her journey, and she'll have to figure it out as she goes. The only thing I am 100% positive about, is that she will love it more than she hates it.