An Owie in My Heart

Yesterday, Greyson hurt my feelings for the first time. He seemed kind of blue in the morning and Roque and I distinctly felt it was because he was still missing his Lola and Lolo. To cheer him up, I decided to take him downtown on the train to the Embarcadero. We had a lovely morning. We rode the train, walked around the Farmer's Market, up and down the Embarcadero, ate popcorn by the fountain and had lunch down there. He seemed much better when we got home, and I handed him off to our nanny, Michelle. Typically, when she puts him down for a nap, she reads the stories, changes his diaper, puts him in bed, and then I'll come in (if I'm home) to tuck him in. He'll usually call for me at that point. Yesterday, when I walked into the room, he started crying and fussing. At first Michelle and I weren't sure what he was bothered about, then he said it, "Mommy, GO! Mommy GO! Mommy GO!!!!" He wanted me to leave the room. He wanted just her.

I couldn't even begin to process the hurt and rejection I felt. It was worse than any breakup. That was the first time Greyson had ever expressed distress at my presence, or even chosen someone else above me in a way that was so direct. In the past, even when he wanted to play with someone else, my presence was always welcome. I certainly had never been told to leave, let alone in the presence of my nanny. I felt hurt, humiliated and furious. My mind projected forward to the next 10 years and I started thinking, why did I do this? This is where we're heading isn't it? Adolescence, adulthood, all of those seasons will require him pushing me away. Gosh, how do I even know Greyson will like me when he's older? I collapsed into tears and continued that way for the next two hours in the midst of working and emailing clients. I had just spent an entire morning with my cell phone on mute, trying to make my child's day, cheer him up and do everything in my power to make him happy and this is what I get. I called Roque to vent, blurting words like "ingrate", "jerk", "gave up my career" and "I should just go back to work!". I Googled "My toddler hates me," only to learn that this is a normal and, get this, healthy process that all mothers have to deal with. What the h___ did I get myself into?

After Michelle left that day, I decided that I had to talk to Greyson about what happened. Despite my fury, I had to tell him that what he did hurt my feelings. I sat him down and said, "Greyson, do you remember before your nap you said to Mommy, "Mommy GO!"? He was quiet and listened thoughtfully. I continued, "When you do that, it gives Mommy an owie in my heart. It really hurts my feelings, and that's not okay. If you want just Ah Ee to put you down next time, you say, "Ah Ee, please." Understand?"I had him answer "Understand, Mommy" and that was that. It really hit home with me that this is what it means to be a parent. No matter how obnoxious my child, or how much he hurts me, for the rest of my life, I will always have to be the one to make the first move. I will always be the one to forgive first, because no matter how Greyson might feel about me, my love for him will never change. I can't do anything about it, it's just the way it is. Motherhood is vulnerability at it's worst.