Pause

I read an interesting article today called "Five Ways to Encourage Self-Discipline" by Lisamarie Sanders. This paragraph struck a chord with me:

Many parents use rewards and punishments to help their children behave, but children need more than this to learn to do the right thing. In fact, rewards and punishments often defeat the purpose because they require outside factors to control behavior. When parents dole out discipline in this way, their children learn to think in terms of, "Don't get caught," or "What's in it for me?" They don't learn to consider right from wrong and make good decisions.

These words gave me pause when I reflect on my growing years. Being Singaporean-Chinese, I come from a culture of exactly that, external discipline. We have fines for not flushing in public restrooms, littering and picking flowers. The elevator going up to my grandma's house had an icon above the buttons that stated it was monitored by cameras to prevent public urination. Growing up in school, I was made to stand on my chair, in a corner, yelled at and publicly shamed when I forgot to bring a textbook or talked during class. I was eight. For me the litmus test of who I really was, without all these external controls, was when I escaped them all and came to the States.

I married a Boy Scout who was horrified the first time I left a candy wrapper under our car just before we left a parking lot. "You just don't!" was his horrified cry. I give credence to this claim and wonder how to do better for my son. I want him to learn that he can be free to make mistakes, and that the right thing to do is still the right thing, when nobody is watching. I want him to know a sense of self-worth and confidence that isn't dependent on anyone's approval, not even mine. The only problem is, I'm not sure how to teach him something that it took me traveling across half the world to learn. Even worse, I cannot replicate a childhood for him that I did not have. I can only hope that the me I am today, is enough. I can only pray that where I end, God begins.