Simple Times

Greyson has been a handful the last few days. As much as he loves on Ella, his adjustment to her manifests in an increased defiance and a purposeful rejection of me. He wants his Pa for everything, and is blatantly antagonistic with me. Last night as we were getting into the car, he started having a fit because he didn't want me to sit with him in the back. He was yelling, "I dont' want to sit with you, Ma! NOOO!!!!" and actually got out of his seat and started pushing me out of the car. I know it's his way of expressing his frustration at my recent unavailability but it's hard not to take it personally. It's even harder to realize that no matter how mean he gets, I have to be the one to keep trying to bust through that wall to reach him. It's like being hurt by a person with Alzheimer's. They don't remember one minute to the next, the hurtful things they've said, so they can't be held accountable for them. I study Ella's face as she nurses, and I wish she could stay a baby forever. I have to get over this. We haven't even gotten to adolescence.

How did I miss it the first time? This is the easiest stage. Sure, having a newborn is exhausting. Feeding around the clock, the endless diaper changes, having a being permanently attached to your body while it's going through it's own journey of healing...it's definitely draining. But in the big picture, these are simple times. When I put Ella in her crib, she can't come out. She cries when she's wet, pooped, hungry or tired. She doesn't give me lip, she can't disobey me. On top of all that, she is a warm, cozy, hot water bottle to hold when I need someone uncomplicated to love on. In the middle of the night when I'm depleted of energy, I nurse Ella and change her, and realize how thankful I am that in my fatigue, we don't have to talk. We can be quiet together. It's a refreshing change from the endless chatter of toddlers. Honestly, compared to toddlers, babies are a pieces of delectable cake.