By Proxy

Well, it's official. The grand illusion we all live under, that we have any iota of control of what tomorrow holds, has been shattered for me. Life can change in an instant and I'm feeling that at this moment in a grand way. Our week has been upside down. It started with me getting pre-term contractions on Monday, dashing in and out of the doctor's office on Tuesday, a disturbing call from my doctor, a rush to the ER, a night at the hospital, and then finally the verdict: an incompetent cervix and four weeks of bed rest. No work, no sitting upright, only 15 min of standing up per hour. Right now, I am just glad it's not complete bed rest, and that I'm able to be at home (versus the hospital) and that it's only for four weeks (versus the remaining the 10 weeks of my pregnancy). Things are uncertain as to what happens after the four weeks, but as long as this baby stays inside me, and stays alive...that's got to be my priority right now.

I am on Day Three and thanks to the boundless and infinite graces of our friends, Greyson seems remarkably unscathed. Since I've been home, we've had lots of visitors coming to visit, cook, or babysit and he, the socialite that he is, has been loving having all these people, both new and old, in our house. We're taking things one week at a time, trying to coordinate care for Greyson on the Tuesdays and Thursdays when I usually care for him by myself. If I portion out my 15 minutes, I can still make him his favorite foods, change him or get up to look at something he's doing. The last thing I want is for him to think anything is wrong.

I keep asking why all this had to happen with this pregnancy and not my first. Going through something like this when you already have a child is so much more complicated. I worry about my unborn child, but Greyson is still more real to me than she is, and it's hard for me to make her a priority. Especially when I feel completely fine. One of the nurses in the hospital told me, "You need to work on being a good mother to both your children." All I have been able to think about is Greyson; who will take care of him, how can I keep things consistent for him, and how I can protect him from picking up on how scared we really are? When I got the news that I'd be on bed rest, I was devastated. There is no way to replace all the things that a mother does in their child's life. This experience has given me new empathy for mothers that suffer more permanent and destructive medical conditions than this, and have to find a way to still be there for their kids. How does a mother adjust to the new normal of caring for their child by proxy? I am learning that right now.